Recognition

Got reminded of some stuff and I lost my cool. I just want to be recognised for my efforts, why does it seem so hard? I remember my teachers used to say I'm a hardworking student and that's all. My sister? She's very smart, intelligent etc etc. She doesn't need tuition, I need and even after tuition, my grades are not comparable to hers. Not that I want to compare, but people have always been comparing. I don't mind cause that's the only way for me to improve but the thing is, I wanted so much for them to recognise my hardwork but they never did. They only see the results, I don't know how to study smart, I only know how to study hard. Only people with good results get praised, I don't.

I've always been stressed about my results cause I'm afraid that my relatives and family will start comparing. Things doesn't get better when you have a cousin of the same age who scores higher grades. I used to quarrel with my sister over results cause she's always trying to prove that she's better and I hated that. I used to hate my aunt who will tell all her friends my results and compare it with her daughter's. When friends talked about grades, I always kept quiet until the point when I've no choice but to answer.

I'm very sensitive when it comes to this topic. I tried not to but sometimes I failed and ended up making people agitated with me. The reason why I like Chinese so much? Because that's the only subject when I feel like I can be on par with the rest. That's the only time when I feel like there's finally something which I'm good at. Whenever there's something I'm good at, I'll be very happy even when it may seem like a normal thing cause others are good at it too. But you will never know what it means to me, you can never imagine my happiness. 就算没有很好，也请不要贬低我。不是故意发脾气的，但每次不被认同的时候就会这样。就会误会别人的意思，会乱发脾气。

有没有这么一个人，就算是我的错，他也不忍心责备我，不忍心生太久的气，因为他知道我会很自责？有时候做错事，会有不想道歉的时候。