Last day of work:(

Ended work yesterday, managed to complete the tons of stuff, hope the new temporary staff will be able to cope and help them:) The staff will work until May and maybe I'll be going back there again, depends on my mood la haha. I'm still not sure if I want to go back, has its pros & cons, if I go back again and left, I'll have to go through the whole process of separation which I hate. I hate separation, I really do, I hate leaving the people behind, I hate them having to leave me. I hate if let's say we used to be really close friends but we drift apart because we contact each other lesser and lesser and eventually it becomes nothing.

I admit I cried yesterday, was really sad and till now I still am. Don't worry, I just need to let out some sorrows, I think that it's good to cry out once in a while cause it helps to lessen some pain and relieve some load/burden off your shoulders. Really can't bear to leave, but I have my own reason for leaving, partly is because of studies, partly is because I think that leaving will be better for me emotionally, leaving may be hurting me more but staying doesn't make it any better either. I will still be hurt. Sometimes, I really wish that God can hear what I said and give me what I want, sometimes maybe I don't really want to leave everything to fate, I want to try and get what I want because I believe that is the best for me. Nevertheless, I still did what everyone wants me to do, I'm trying to accept it. There may come a day when I'll bury everything deep inside my heart and I hope no one will dig it out cause the pain will be unbearable, am hoping for that day when I've learnt to let go of some stuff.

Till then, I still got to do what I'm supposed to do -- study:( Afraid of losing those who means something to me, they are my everything, I'll do anything to make them happy cause I just want to see them smile, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen them do:) 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377 512377

好想你:((((

Changes...

One of my colleague told me today that he feels that I'm different from before. I've become more 'stuck-up', not as cheerful or friendly as before. He asked me if I've any BGR or FM problems, my only response to that question is I've changed. He feels that I've changed in a big/exaggerating way, doesn't really seem like the person he knew before. Well, I can only say that maybe I'm too stressed up by the upcoming exams or could be due to family matters also or maybe it includes.....too?

I guess I've really changed to become more of a loner, I seldom smile or I talk even lesser these days as compared to before. I used to smile whenever someone talk to me but now... I'll just give them a stern or serious look. That's not me by the way, I want to be the one that used to smile everytime and laugh at anything that's not really funny haha. But I guess that's kinda hard these days:( Was feeling sad/emotional about alot of stuff, for example, I'm not used to not having my granny around in the house, sitting at the dining table having steamboat reunion dinner with us. I want her to be in this family if not I won't feel that my family is 'reunited'. It's like something is missing! Hard to say, I just want everything to be as simple as possible but it always turned out to be so complicated or maybe I'm just adding unnecessary burden to myself. I'm still willing to share my problems with you guys if you all ever ask me, but as usual I won't go into the details, will just summarize the whole thing up. Actually, come to think of it, no one ever knows how I really feel except myself of course as I'll tend to leave out some stuff. It's not that I don't want to share but it's either I want to keep it to myself or I don't want to bother you all with these trivial matters. I will share everything, but only to a few, 3 to be exact. I will become better in future, but not so fast, give me time. First I need to deal with my emotions, handle it better before I can concentrate on my studies, I can do it:)))Don't worry I'm born with a special ability: self recuperate!hehe.

Was asked by my colleague to rate the guys in our office based on their appearance & personality. Rated quite a few but I miss one haha, he insisted on not letting me rate him and I don't want to rate also (I think I'll be biased?), but I already have a score inside and the score is quite high:)) He's the rare type that will get a high score from me, partly because of his personality, that contributed the most:))

Before I forget, just want to tell hk & yx that don't feel guilty for giving me a belated birthday celebration. I don't care if there's one or not, the thing that matters to me is not about whether I have anyone to celebrate my birthday with me, the thing that is most important is whether you remember which day is my birthday, that's all. That's all I ask for, to remember the date, so don't feel guilty anymore all right? I don't mind a late celebration, it's better than none right?:)))

I'm not having any 21st birthday party or what, don't ask me anymore haha. Find it troublesome and I don't have many friends or rather I have alot of friends but I only want to invite a few close ones. Anyway just take it that I'm lazy and busy:)) Will be attending quite alot of my friends' 21st birthday party I guess? Will be quite broke by the end of this year:(((

I've settled most of my CNY clothes, left the shoes, might be getting heels like last year:)) I suddenly have a thing for heels haha, is that a part of growing up? hope so, won't want to be called childish anymore:))

I hate myself...

I really hope you will be reading this, at least you will know how remorseful I am.

Learnt some truth today and all I want to say is, don't ask me what happened, I'm just blaming myself here. Don't comment on anything, don't try to console me cause I don't deserve it. Why am I always like that? Why am I always saying the wrong things? I meant it as a joke, do you even understand the meaning of a joke? Why do you take things so seriously? I never meant it the bad way. Why do you not understand what I'm trying to say?! Why did you misinterpret my intentions? I'm not trying to blame anyone here since I'm the one who said this. I started everything wrong in the first place. I shouldn't even have said it, not even as a joke. I really didn't mean it. If I didn't say anything in the first place, things could have been so much better, but I did and I can't rewind time. I really regret what I said. I'm an idiot I know, cause of my unintentional words, someone is suffering, bearing the consequences of my words alone while I got away scot-free.

I'm nothing but a trouble-maker, always creating trouble & problems for others, I really want to help but I always ended up making things worse. I'm an idiot, a useless, worthless piece of junk, only know how to be a burden to others. I know you don't blame me but I can't stop blaming myself cause I think it's really my fault for causing so much trouble. I want to lessen your burden but I only increased it by a great deal, I'm sorry. I know I used to say sorry alot of times until it may seem insignificant and useless now. I don't sound sincere, but I don't know what else can I do to redeem all the wrongs which I did.

If hating me will make you feel better, please do so. I'm really guilty. I still want to help you, but I don't think I have the chance anymore. I hate to admit this but it seems like you are much better off without me:( I'm really, really sorry. I know it's pointless to say anything now... life sucks, I'm a bad person, if you didn't get to know me & be my friend, if I didn't meet you, things will be better for you I guess. How I wish I've never appeared in your life before. I regret what I did, I really do. I'm very sorry. Please don't take it to heart, please forgive me. You have warned me not to say anything untruthful and let others be mistaken but I didn't heed your advice and now something really happened. I should have listened to you, stupid me, I'm a fool.

I want to shut my big mouth up, always causing problems, I'm too stupid, never consider people's feelings and always harming/hurting them. You will also be sad when you know this truth cause I unintentionally ruin your reputation and others may see you differently. I'm sorry. I don't want to harm/hurt you and I'm sorry that I still did it. I don't feel like talking anymore, I don't want to create more troubles, I'm really sad now. I really, really hate myself:(

Getting more stressed...

Exams are coming but I'm still not revising, just can't find the motivation to do so. Even if I study, there's no guarantee that I will do well, going to reach stress level soon. Afraid that I will break down, seems rather scared of getting a fail but I don't know how to make myself understand all those concepts! I need someone to explain to me, I can't do it by myself, reason being that I'm plain stupid. I know I'm stupid, but can you don't keep pointing that fact out to me? I'm emotionally strong but it doesn't mean that I won't feel hurt or sad. All I want are words of encouragement but I didn't get it. All I got was I shouldn't be in UOL as I won't be able to meet their requirements. I know this too, but I'll just take this as a challenge:) Just try my best, even if I fail, at least I tried didn't I? Somehow, I just hope for one word of encouragement, one word will do, please. It will really help me a lot, please try. I know it's tough to get results in UOL, there's not much memorising to be done, only got to understand and apply those concepts but I just can't do it, I don't know why.

How I wish that I'm as clever as my sister, she doesnt need to put in as much effort as me to study. She can easily understand the concepts very quickly, faster than me, really envy her, don't really need to get stressed out by getting bad grades. All she needs to worry about is not getting an A while I'm afraid of not getting a pass, what a joke! That's the difference between me and her:( Sad but it's true, I can't get the results I want or anything else that I want. All I have is myself, I'm alone, I'm a loner, I always keep to myself, I don't usually say out my problems to others even though they want to share my burden but that's me, always so quiet. I don't feel like talking sometimes when I'm really troubled or any other times when I'm not troubled also, just don't ask me to talk if I don't want to. I really don't have anything to say, don't force me all right? I will talk if I want:)

Ok, got to start calming myself down now... got to make myself happy:) That's how pathetic I am, got to cheer myself up... I really wish for someone to be by my side to cheer me up, console me, encourage me, just talk to me whenever I feel like talking (that doesn't happen to alot of people, believe it or not, I choose my friends and select who to talk to). I don't know why also but whenever I see new people, I can tell straight away if I can be comfortable being with them. That's why I tend to be closer to those whom I think I can feel comfortable with:) I don't know how this thing inside my brain/heart works, I don't even know how I know these things...

Some people will find me real quiet or real talkative, I'm that extreme. I can only say a few sentences to some but can also talk endlessly to some, so some people will have different descriptions of me. That's why some of my friends' description of me will be different :D I would like to hear all of your descriptions of me:) I remember someone once said I'm those kind who will go all out for friends (agree to some extent haha), I still remember who said this,I don't know if that person still remember? Don't think so cause that person has a really poor memory haha, but those words really make me real happy, thanks a lot!:) You are the only one who said that to me (not directly of course haha, but I saw what you wrote). Thanks:)

It's little things like this which makes me real touched:) I get touched easily, especially if you do some things nice to me like giving me sweets or chocolates or remembering details about me like my birthday, my likes and dislikes etc etc:) You know who you are:))) I think most of you fit this category:)

My brother just told me: don't feel stressed cause I am my own fireworks, I will shine in my own way (or something like that, I can't remember), he said this cause he saw me typing this entry:) Touched:))))

steamboat at yl's house:))

lays, the birthday girl:))

our Christmas presents!!!

my present for yl

nat's present for me!

presents jy bought for us on her trip to taiwan, I love my 'diao':)

toasting to our years of friendship!haha, it's really wine:)

carrie's DSLR self-timer shots are too fast for us! jy's one was slower but perfect for us cause we are slow haha

yl's LATE birthday presents

lays & mag's birthday presents(necklace), wait for the 2nd part to arrive:))

Gratitude to all those who stood by me:)

Went for chalet at downtown east on 27-29 Dec without the adults, only us teenagers, feel more relaxed without the adults bossing us around haha. First time tried night cycling and I'm real slow, kept lagging behind, must try to do more exercise haha. Had barbeque on the second night and it rained so we took umbrellas and barbequed at the same time, fun experience and we ate in the rain:( Others gave up but we persevered and it stopped raining at around 8 plus:) But we were the only ones left:(

Met up with ei8ht on 30th Dec for steamboat, celebrated lays & mag's birthday and exchanged our Christmas presents:) Although I had to go home earlier but at least we made an attempt to meet up:) It was a failed attempt to surprise lays, we left jy standing outside the door for so long cause we didn't know if it's the right time to open it as the rest are still taking out the cake. Yl never even look at her phone so she doesn't know our plan, I had to give her phone to her before she knew it haha. Passed them their birthday presents before evil twin & yl gave me & jackie a ride home:) Thanks for the offer, I didn't request for it, it's all jackie's fault haha. Yl got to bully me that night, I give in to her cause she's always the one being bullied:) jy & yl talked/argued like a couple haha. There's few cars on the road during that hour, reached home at 1+, had an enjoyable night with the most amazing people:) I'm lucky I met them in poly, even though the 8 of us are different in our own ways, it's amazing how we manage to bond so well haha. Thank you God for bringing ei8ht into my life:)

Spent the last day of 2010 with my cousins & siblings, as usual such a special day will always be dedicated to my family, wait until I get a boyfriend, I'll leave special occasions for him haha. Next time won't be able to find me so free already hehe, so better make use of the time I have with you all now haha. I want to thank my family members for always being there for me especially my cousins & siblings:) Love those moments when they can easily crack me up with their crazy actions or words that really touched me when I'm feeling sad. Thank you my brother for always doing those stupid actions, thank you my sister & hy for being there to listen to my problems, thank you to the rest of you cousins for accompanying me and making an effort to meet up lots of times:) I'm lucky to have such a close relationship with you guys, it really takes lots of effort from each and every one of us to make our relationship turn out this way, appreciate you guys!!!:)

Of course, I need to thank my secondary school mates min, bel & liz:) Luckily I got to be closer to min in Sec4 and in turn got to know bel & liz through her. I'm glad for all the moments spent with you all, we tried our best to keep in touch with one another and will keep ourselves updated about recent happenings, it's fun to share all those stuff and gossips with you girls:) And bel if you are reading this, please learn to take clearer pictures thank you haha. I'm glad you girls are there for me ever since secondary school, I've been through ups & downs with you girls with all those stuff happening in secondary school, I think we have the most complicated class ever haha, and have the most complicated stuff happening to us now, but thank you for sharing and giving advice:)) Can't do without you girls, shall share more stuff with you all if there's any from my side, I want to know what's happening to you all too:)

My classmates of DBA01, I love this class cause it's the most bonded class I've ever seen in my whole poly life:) Till now we still try to meet as often as we can even though there's some cases of failure but at least we tried:) Poly days are memorable to me, I won't ever forget it, kind of miss those days when we were all stressed up for projects, got to meet all the deadlines and exams are nearing etc, but I love the times when we worked hard, studied hard together and joked together during project meetings as well as our usual kbox sessions/outing straight after exams:) I love DBA01:))

Last but not least, my only friends in NHG: HuiKoon, YunXin & Shawn:) Work is so much more bearable cause of you guys, even though all of us are busy with our own life now, but at least we tried to make an effort in meeting up for birthday celebrations & movie outings:) Miss the times when we used to hang out after work to go kbox, play pool, arcade and bowling. Didn't know work could be so fun:) Hope we will still keep in touch and meet up in future:) Thank you, really thank you for being my friends though we knew each other for such a short period of time, but I felt comfortable being with you guys:) Thanks for cheering me up in times of sadness and letting me bully you, being so nice to me and letting me be nice to you, thanks for all the care & concern, for showing through your actions that you really care, you all really did alot of stuff which I'll always remember, appreciate it, you guys taught me the meaning of giving without hoping for anything in return:)Thank you!:)

I think I'm a really lucky girl to have met you all, am I right?:)))